I've noticed there hasn't really been any rap skits for a while. After trying to make an entire album of rap skits only, I settled on this one. One is enough.
lyrics
Fade in: Stock noise of a club, sparcely populated, glasses tink and people laugh. It is backstage at the club. Isaac is relaxing on a couch, tinking away on an ukulele. A door opens.
Guy
Oh hey, uh dude.
Isaac
Oh yo yo whats gucci baby?!
Guy
Uh, hey. Yeah man there's something I have to run by you quick. You got a minute?
Isaac
Boom! Mi Casa es su casa hombre
Guy
Right. Well, it's a little personal.
Isaac
Got it. Oi! Everybody Out! (record scratch)
Everyone leaves. (This is just a fade-out of the stock crowd noise which makes it sound super weird)
Dead quiet now.
Guy
See? You didn't hear that? The crowd leaving sounded fake.
Isaac
I don't have a clue what you're talking about.
Guy
Dude, you're sitting backstage at a club right now. It's insane. When have you EVER hung out at a club like this?
Isaac
Right now, man, take a seat. Want some Voss?
Guy
Alright you're not getting it, I'll lay it out plain and simple then.
Isaac
Please do.
Guy
I think this is a rap skit.
{Pause}
Isaac
...no
Guy
Think about it, think real hard. You were just sitting in a private party in a club. Why.
Isaac
...Cuz I'm awesome, and everybody respects me.
Guy
Even if you were- which I seriously doubt at this point, everyone here was just at your beck and call just now. You kicked them all out with a word.
Isaac
Two words.
Guy
What?
Isaac
Listen back, I said (EVERYBODY OUT from earlier)
Guy
“Listen Back”. How in the hell could you do THAT if this isn't a rap skit.
Isaac
Haven't you been listening at all? This album has been nothing but ukulele and like weird toys I had. Nothing about it says Rap Skit.
Door Open. Enter Fan-Girl.
Girl
Oh hey! I'm here for the party. Ooo is that a little guitar?! I love the little guitar!
Guy
What the hell is this?!
Isaac
Dude, look. It's 2017. There haven't been Rap Skits since like 2003. If I wrote a Rap Skit now I certainly wouldn't make the only female character so dumb. No offence.
Girl
None Taken. [giggle]
Guy
I guess you're right. But this just seems so messed up. Everything sounds hollow and planned out.
Isaac
I didn't get into the rap game to avoid situations like this -it's for the music. It's always been about the rhymes, -my rhymes. It's like you let the game get to you man.
Guy
Yeah.... Wait! You're doing it again! What the hell are you talking about?
Isaac
Shit. I think you're right. This has got 2001 Rap Skit written all over it. I kind of feel like cappin someone.
Guy
heh. That would be funny I guess. [pause] What are you doing? No! No!
Girl
Screams!
Isaac
What? I don't have a gun guys. Like I said before. It's an Uku-lele album.
Guy
Stop saying it like that.
Isaac
That's how it's pronounced man. We can't just like take the words and make em all lame and European. The hawaiians have a rich language and heritage. Also, did you have any idea that the ukulele is actually based on a Portugese instrument.
Guy {filled with childish wonder}
Hmm, No Fooling...
Isaac
Come sit and I'll regail you tale. You see, the year was 1875 and the island of Oahu was in the throws of a bitter land dispute over trade and resource....
[Fade out]
credits
from Mild Card,
released March 23, 2017
Written and performed by Isaac Balson.
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